In the zone

Met my Mom at Ikea this morning to buy some new countertops for one of our rentals. Packed two slim-fast shakes to take, and guzzled a lot of water before I left. I had one shake while she and Jack had breakfast, and never drank the second at all! Even while they ate mac & cheese for lunch! (I did have one small bite of the mac & cheese as I was putting it in the trash since I knew I wouldn't be able to go back for a second, third, and fourth bite.)

When I got home from Ikea I had my traditional can of soup (220), hummus (70), sugar snap peas (30) and cucumber slices (30). Totally satisfied. I'm planning a bag of popcorn around 4, a slim-fast shake around 5, and then my lean cuisine/hummus/carrots for dinner after the kids go to bed.

I've peed 5 times already today and have to go again. I feel great.

I think I found my mantra

I've been having a huge life crisis the past year or so, full of panic attacks about growing older and the things that have passed me by. I've been incredibly blessed, but I feel like so much of my life has just HAPPENED to me, instead of me charting a course and going for my goals.

So I was hungry tonight and about to get up and say "fuck it" and I realized: this is something I can take control over. This is a course I can chart for myself. I can do this.

And I found my "before" picture (watching a friend's baby the other day):



OMG. I'm not trying to beat up on myself, but OMG. Fucking ridiculous.

KOKO

I am proud of myself, but mostly I am so grateful for you guys for helping me. Alison is calling me at 5 and 7 every evening, Deborah keeps texting me, Tedi called several times...you guys are all being so supportive and kind. I must have sounded truly desperate in that initial email/blog post! :-)

Last night I got a last-second invitation to the Caps hockey game. I ran home and grabbed Nate and off we went two metro stops to the Verizon Center. The Verizon Center, right at dinner time, which is full of chicken fingers, fries, honey mustard dipping sauce...and I ate: 3 bites of Nate's hot dog. That's it!

I came home and had my yummy Lean Cuisine, a ton of sugar snap peas, and probably a bit too much hummus (I didn't measure it out; ate it right out of the container). But I was restrained, and happy with everything.

Today I had to sub in at Jack's co-op, and at snack time I ate: 2 crunchy curls! That's it. Came home and measured out some hummus and had some veggies. I'm saving my soup for a snack later.

Go me! Go us!

Tuesday, September 28

Food	Calories	Calories left (goal: 1800)
Slim-fast shake (generic)	170	1670
Soup	160	1510
Carrots & hummus	140	1370
Total for today
Morning vitamins?
F&V eaten?
Water?
Evening vitamins?
Exercise

Not giving up

So I had a really great day yesterday, right up until the time when I made ziti for the kids and then ate it by the handful right out of the colander. Lots of it. I may just have to decide that pasta is too much of a "red light food" for me, and not cook it. I'll keep working on that issue.

But in better news, good day before that binge and then I didn't go on to eat the "real" dinner I had planned for myself. So that's really something.

I didn't give up. I'm not giving up. I'm adding tools to my arsenal, and step by step I'm going to get there.

As an example, right now I'm off to run errands. I'm packing the newest tool, the slim-fast shake, along with me. Feeling hungry is the enemy for me; it throws me into a binge. So bringing the shake to stave off hunger will probably get me home in time for a healthy lunch. Go me.

My biggest step, though, is bringing my friends into this. Thank you for the phone calls, the emails, the comments on this blog. It is truly keeping me accountable, knowing that someone is waiting to hear from me. I'm here. Thank you.

Monday, September 27

Food	Calories	Calories left (goal: 1800)
Slim-fast shake	190	1610
Apple	60	1550
Soup	200	1350
Hummus	140	1210
Broccoli	25	1185
Sugar snap peas	40	1145
Rice cake	70	1075
Carrots	60	1015
Hummus	100	915
BINGE: pasta & sauce (kids dinner)	1200	-285
Total for today	-285
Morning vitamins?	Yes!
F&V eaten?	5
Water?	6
Evening vitamins?	Nope
Exercise	Nope

A plan

My friends are amazing. Thank you.

So each evening, now, when I prep lunches and snacks for the boys for the next day, I will also plan, prep, and pack up all of my food for the next day. I found a little tupperware that can hold everything, and stuck everything in there (even the unpopped bag of popcorn. :-))

I know 1800 calories is high, but my first goal is to just get myself eating on a plan. And at my current weight, I really should lose at 1800 calories a day. So the plan for Monday:

Breakfast: slim-fast shake
Lunch: Soup, hummus, snap-peas
Snack 1: bag of popcorn, apple
Snack 2: slim fast shake, broccoli, hummus
Dinner: Large lean cuisine, hummus, carrots
Dessert: smoothie, 100-calorie pack of cookies

Here we go!

Fifty fucking pounds

A milestone has been reached. A bad one.

I have always been overweight, even when I really wasn't (but I sure felt it!). And about 6 months ago I realized that in the last 12 years, I have never once had a stable weight; I've been gaining or losing great amounts that whole time.

In my adult life, I've never gone above 163, except when pregnant with enormous babies. Every time it got up that high, I was able to bring it back down. Then as soon as I got down (128 one notable time, 138 another) I rocketed back up with the joy of "eating again."

Due to a horrible year of anxiety and change and confusion, I've eaten my way past my "barrier" of 163 to 183. I'm five foot THREE.

I've reached a point where:

* I am tired, really tired, all the time
* I can't get up a flight of stairs without really needing to rest
* I'm not playing with my kids in terms of tickling, running, etc.
* I am letting the housework slide because the bending and lifting is too tiring
* I no longer heed my self-imposed limits (I now regularly get 2 sandwiches at McDonalds, make extra trips to 7-11, stuff I never let myself do before)
* I don't know how to recover from this

I am a food addict. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous and I know it speaks to me. I eat no matter what, and rarely because I'm hungry. Am I punishing myself? Is my primal need for fat and calories just too strong to fight against?

I do not know what to do to stop this. I dream about pills, pills, more pills. I researched lap-band surgery but I'd need to gain another 17 pounds to qualify and that seems crazy. If I ever do get to 200, though, lap-band is where I'm heading.

I can't even get through 1 day with "clean" eating (ie: eating on my food plan). Not even one day. But I think an alcoholic feels the same way about their alcohol, and the amazing ones are able to give it up. (If I could give up food entirely, I might stand a chance at beat this. But I have to keep eating, just do it in moderation. Hah!)

I thought if I put this out there, if I begged my friends to check up on me, then maybe I could get through one day. And then maybe one day more. I have got to make a change; it's not cosmetic issues anymore. My quality of life is SHIT.

My plan is to give myself 1800 calories each day to start out with. We're mostly vegan at home now, but I know that has to take a backseat right now; I'll focus more on eating healthy.

Please help me. Please check up on me. Please encourage me. I really need you guys right now. Thank you endlessly.