A milestone has been reached. A bad one.
I have always been overweight, even when I really wasn't (but I sure felt it!). And about 6 months ago I realized that in the last 12 years, I have never once had a stable weight; I've been gaining or losing great amounts that whole time.
In my adult life, I've never gone above 163, except when pregnant with enormous babies. Every time it got up that high, I was able to bring it back down. Then as soon as I got down (128 one notable time, 138 another) I rocketed back up with the joy of "eating again."
Due to a horrible year of anxiety and change and confusion, I've eaten my way past my "barrier" of 163 to 183. I'm five foot THREE.
I've reached a point where:
* I am tired, really tired, all the time
* I can't get up a flight of stairs without really needing to rest
* I'm not playing with my kids in terms of tickling, running, etc.
* I am letting the housework slide because the bending and lifting is too tiring
* I no longer heed my self-imposed limits (I now regularly get 2 sandwiches at McDonalds, make extra trips to 7-11, stuff I never let myself do before)
* I don't know how to recover from this
I am a food addict. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous and I know it speaks to me. I eat no matter what, and rarely because I'm hungry. Am I punishing myself? Is my primal need for fat and calories just too strong to fight against?
I do not know what to do to stop this. I dream about pills, pills, more pills. I researched lap-band surgery but I'd need to gain another 17 pounds to qualify and that seems crazy. If I ever do get to 200, though, lap-band is where I'm heading.
I can't even get through 1 day with "clean" eating (ie: eating on my food plan). Not even one day. But I think an alcoholic feels the same way about their alcohol, and the amazing ones are able to give it up. (If I could give up food entirely, I might stand a chance at beat this. But I have to keep eating, just do it in moderation. Hah!)
I thought if I put this out there, if I begged my friends to check up on me, then maybe I could get through one day. And then maybe one day more. I have got to make a change; it's not cosmetic issues anymore. My quality of life is SHIT.
My plan is to give myself 1800 calories each day to start out with. We're mostly vegan at home now, but I know that has to take a backseat right now; I'll focus more on eating healthy.
Please help me. Please check up on me. Please encourage me. I really need you guys right now. Thank you endlessly.
I'll be here every day looking for you, chica. I'm in a bit of the same boat myself, and looking for something to help me find the strength to change.
ReplyDeleteI had about 40 to lose after I had my 2nd; it was going nowhere. Heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, etc. led me to the point at which you now find yourself. Play mind games: post signs in the kitchen. Weigh the short-term benefit of taste vs. the long-term benefit of health, stamina, and smaller clothes -- do it every time you reach for something sweet or fattening. Small plate with small portions at dinner, no 2nds. Period. Brush your teeth right after dinner, as a wall to block any p.m. "intruders." Make exercise time non-negotiable. You can do this, Leah. Your friends are here for you.
ReplyDeletegirl, you are speaking from someone who knows your pain. I have lived it for about 7 years now. Pregnancy was not friendly to me and my metabolism changed a lot. I hit a all time high on the scale before started a cleanse 10 days ago. I am hoping to stay on track with low carb/healthy carb choices and portion control. Stress is a killer for me and you are so right about the eating issue being much like an alcoholic. It truly sucks. I'm with you girl on this one and hopefully we both stay on track!!!!
ReplyDeleteMiche