I'm still here

A long weekend away with my boys (5 days) usually means a gain of 5 or so pounds, some fluff, some permanent. I use that time when they're in bed at night to force-feed my demons.

So, it wasn't a disaster. It wasn't good, but it wasn't awful, and this morning I weighed in at 181.5, so I'm pleased as punch.

I had another day yesterday where I was super-good all morning and early afternoon, and then went to hell after that but I'm still here, still trying.

I'm on-track again today. Had a slim-fast shake (170) for breakfast and a can of soup (220) for lunch. Guzzling the crystal light. I made plans to head to a cool super-hero-type thing this afternoon in Silver Spring, and am meeting Alison (!) and her kiddos for dinner. The Austin Grill has a kids-eat-free (two kids per adult!) dealie so we're eating there. I checked the nutritional info on their website and although I don't entirely trust it, I'm using what makes sense. Burger = 600, side of grilled veggies = 165, cup of texas chili = 260. Total: 1025. Totally reasonable, and a TON of food!

Thanks, girls. I'm still here. Is there anyone out there that I can help support?!

Not good, not bad

I still haven't had a "clean" day where I ate exactly the way I wanted and planned to. But I'm definitely eating quite a bit less than I was before, and guzzling that Crystal Light like crazy. I'm aware during my mini-binges, and able to direct a bit at things that aren't quite as unhealthy. I've only eaten late at night once, last night.

Part of the problem is that this weather is making me want to cook and freeze huge quantities of food, and I'm still exploring all of this fantastic new vegan cooking to see what works and what doesn't. It's hard not to eat when you're spending lots of time cooking! Today we're making a vegan lasagna!

I am getting through until 3 or 4 with no trouble now, and that's a huge accomplishment. I weighed in officially yesterday and seem to be down a few pounds, but didn't ever do an official "start" weight so I'll just use this one as my start: 181.5. My goal for this week is to lose 1.5.

Love you all.

KOKO part 2

I didn't post yesterday, but I did have a decent day.

I'm definitely less hungry than before I started this, and it's really helping me restrict during the day when I have much more self-control. I really wasn't hungry at all in the morning; had a can of soup (220) and that was it for a while.

I decided to take a detour after Nate's 2 pm gymnastics class and explore Rock Creek Park with the kiddos, so we stocked up with a few Subway subs to take with us. I planned to only eat half of a veggie sub, but I ate extra bites of the kids enough to qualify for eating a foot-long veggie. Still not too bad.

Good the rest of the afternoon, then went off the rails when cooking the kids stir-fry. Ate a ton of eggplant-sauteed-in-peanut-oil. Lots of peanut oil. It was good, but definitely not worth it. Ate a few other things, then tried to re-direct myself by cooking a Lean Cuisine and scarfing it down. But I didn't eat anything after that, so it is what it is.

I am so grateful that I don't have the urge to eat late night. I really don't. Because I'm so very bad at fighting my urges that I know I'd be 300 pounds by now.

But another day is here. I haven't been hungry at all this morning, so I haven't eaten. I bought a water bottle all spur-of-the-moment at Giant the other day and it's turned out to be a lifesaver. I'm loading it up with Crystal Light all day and guzzling it down. Two 20-ounce bottles so far today.

Girls, I am so grateful for you. I wouldn't be doing this without your support. I'm going to keep working on my late afternoon mini-binges, but I'm in control most of the rest of the day and that's really something to be happy about.

Thank you.

In the zone

Met my Mom at Ikea this morning to buy some new countertops for one of our rentals. Packed two slim-fast shakes to take, and guzzled a lot of water before I left. I had one shake while she and Jack had breakfast, and never drank the second at all! Even while they ate mac & cheese for lunch! (I did have one small bite of the mac & cheese as I was putting it in the trash since I knew I wouldn't be able to go back for a second, third, and fourth bite.)

When I got home from Ikea I had my traditional can of soup (220), hummus (70), sugar snap peas (30) and cucumber slices (30). Totally satisfied. I'm planning a bag of popcorn around 4, a slim-fast shake around 5, and then my lean cuisine/hummus/carrots for dinner after the kids go to bed.

I've peed 5 times already today and have to go again. I feel great.

I think I found my mantra

I've been having a huge life crisis the past year or so, full of panic attacks about growing older and the things that have passed me by. I've been incredibly blessed, but I feel like so much of my life has just HAPPENED to me, instead of me charting a course and going for my goals.

So I was hungry tonight and about to get up and say "fuck it" and I realized: this is something I can take control over. This is a course I can chart for myself. I can do this.

And I found my "before" picture (watching a friend's baby the other day):



OMG. I'm not trying to beat up on myself, but OMG. Fucking ridiculous.

KOKO

I am proud of myself, but mostly I am so grateful for you guys for helping me. Alison is calling me at 5 and 7 every evening, Deborah keeps texting me, Tedi called several times...you guys are all being so supportive and kind. I must have sounded truly desperate in that initial email/blog post! :-)

Last night I got a last-second invitation to the Caps hockey game. I ran home and grabbed Nate and off we went two metro stops to the Verizon Center. The Verizon Center, right at dinner time, which is full of chicken fingers, fries, honey mustard dipping sauce...and I ate: 3 bites of Nate's hot dog. That's it!

I came home and had my yummy Lean Cuisine, a ton of sugar snap peas, and probably a bit too much hummus (I didn't measure it out; ate it right out of the container). But I was restrained, and happy with everything.

Today I had to sub in at Jack's co-op, and at snack time I ate: 2 crunchy curls! That's it. Came home and measured out some hummus and had some veggies. I'm saving my soup for a snack later.

Go me! Go us!

Tuesday, September 28

Food	Calories	Calories left (goal: 1800)
Slim-fast shake (generic)	170	1670
Soup	160	1510
Carrots & hummus	140	1370
Total for today
Morning vitamins?
F&V eaten?
Water?
Evening vitamins?
Exercise